SONG & VERSE: You Give Good Love

While having a late brunch at Melba’s, one of my favorite spots on NYC and this song came on. Three other women were in the restaurant with their men and we all seemed to burst out at the first note: “I found out what I’ve been missing / Always on the run…”

This was a hair brush song for me when it came out in the mid-80’s, but the self-reflection it brought about today would make you think it was attached to someone in my life. Unfortunately, I can’t recall anyone who has given me good love. Perhaps that’s why the self-reflection lead to sadness…that along with the fact that the other women singing along were looking at their men and smiling the words into their eyes.

During a conversation with a friend earlier today, manipulators and controllers became a topic. I call it a spirit of manipulation and control since I know people from every area of my life who have submitted to it. It’s a destructive spirit that has been prevalent in many people whose wills have collided with mine.

I shared with my friend the story of a young man I met in my early twenties shortly after my mother died. His personality and desire for a relationship with me were more than I was equipped to handle during that period in my life, so he ended up overwhelming me emotionally. He was ready for marriage and children and spoke of taking me to Africa to meet his mother. I was focused on surviving moment to moment, trying to cope with the reality that losing my mother gained me legal guardianship of my teenage sister. I asked him repeatedly to give me time…just give me time and we can explore this – I can’t handle a relationship right now. But he pressured me until I shut down….and disappeared. I have often said he set me back in my dating life. I avoided men for a long time because he represented a vice-like grip men seemed to use on me when allowed in my space; holding on with a determination to change my life to suit theirs.

Where would I be… who would I be, had I allowed him to consume me then?

I know I wouldn’t resemble the woman I am today.

My friend made this profound observation, “Had he worked with you as a partner instead of trying to dominate you, he could have won you and I’m sure you would have followed him anywhere in the world – simply because he was your man and he had worked to make you comfortable with his manhood.”

Very true.

The type of man he was then would be wonderful for me now – attentive, present, direct, decisive, focused, determined, demanding. I’m not concerned with losing myself in another’s personality anymore. Mostly because I demand to be seen and accepted for who I am. And in being who I am, I too have become a forceful personality – attentive, alert, direct, no nonsense, independent with a true desire for a mutually dependent and respectful relationship. In embracing and nurturing all of me, I have become the best lover of me. I’ve learned to give good love to myself and that has become the greatest possible love a person can have.

YOU GIVE GOOD LOVE by Whitney Houston


I found out what I’ve been missing
Always on the run
I’ve been looking for someone

Now you’re here like you’ve been before
And you know just what I need
It took some time for me to see

That you give good love to me baby
So good take this heart of mine into your hands
You give good love to me baby
Never too much
Baby you give good love

Never stopping I was always searching
For that perfect love
The kind that girls like me dream of

Now you’re here like you’ve been before
And you know just what I need
It took some time for me to see

That you give good love to me baby
So good take this heart of mine into your hands
You give good love to me baby
Never too much
Baby you give good love

Now I’ve stopped looking around
Each night what this life’s all about
Our love is here to stay
Baby you give good love

…and a bonus…

I DIDN’T KNOW MY OWN STRENGTH by Whitney Houston

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